Céline Roustan
Gabriel can’t shake the feeling that he’s dying, trapping him in an endless cycle of panic, anxiety, and endlessly googling symptoms and potential diseases. Unable to communicate his feelings with the people around him, he unexpectedly finds a listening ear in the most unlikely place. S/W alum Lindsay Calleran (What I See When I Look) returns to S/W with I’m Really Scared I’m Dying TBH, a new short commissioned by the Modern Silent Shorts initiative, which grants filmmakers full creative freedom with only requirement: the film must be silent.
“I have OCD and have long wanted to creatively explore what that feels like in my brain”
Making a silent film today is not a common exercise – especially when it is the starting point at the development stage of the project. “I have OCD and have long wanted to creatively explore what that feels like in my brain, but it honestly always seemed incredibly anti-cinematic and also embarrassing”, Calleran candidly shared with us. Before adding that the rules of the silent format actually “felt like maybe the only way to ever do it.”
Since mental health is mainly an internal journey, the absence of dialogue became an asset in depicting the protagonist’s anxiety. “We leaned into the ‘silent killer’ of anxiety, usually happening between your ears with no witnesses”, Calleran explains, as they discuss building a narrative from the protagonist’s chaotic thoughts. And in a time when so many of our social interactions are also now through screens, the silent format doesn’t feel like a requirement, but a conscious creative choice.
Gabriel Ortega (R) stars as a struggling young man looking to voice his troubles and fears.
Over the course of I’m Really Scared I’m Dying TBH’s 15-min duration, we spend time with the film’s main character, Gabriel, on a regular day in his life – working at his job and spending time with his girlfriend. Inviting us into his bustling headspace, where his anxiety clashes with the mundanity of his life, Calleran perfectly contrasts both these worlds, allowing us to feel how intrusive and destructive his thoughts are.
Including Gabriel’s screen time in the short is a smart choice, as it’s often the internet we turn to when we start to spiral – seeking answers on Google or now ChatGPT. Working with DP Jack Davis, Calleran effectively places Gabriel in his environment, using very few title cards for the limited dialogue that ultimately convey his inability to share how he’s feeling. The screens enter the frame in such an abrupt manner, it recreates how overly stimulated he is, as he frantically types on his phone.
Calleran also worked with editor Joe Stankus to create a rhythm which immerse us in Gabriel’s fluctuating mental state – switching from peace and quiet to chaos. They explained that the edit was shaped “by consistently following the feeling of where the panic is at”. From the glitching, to the intrusive on-screen texts, it all vividly captures the electric storm within Gabriel’s brain, bringing a poignant sense of relief when his panic attacks end.
“We planned splitscreens to explore his use of technology and enhance a feeling of over stimulus” – director Calleran discussing their use of frames in the edit.
One of the most surprising aspects of the film is its score, which was composed independently by Kevin Donald without Calleran’s input – in fact, they only heard it for the very first time during the short’s initial screening. Described by the director as “a score that added to every frame”, the music works to underscore the emotional intensity of the film, complementing and enhancing all the other aspects of the production.
Ahead of its online premiere today, I’m Really Scared I’m Dying TBH hit the festival circuit with notable stops at the Palm Springs ShortFest and Brooklyn’s Nitehawk Shorts Festival, where it won an Audience Award. Calleran is currently in post-production of their feature debut, Caity, reuniting with DP Davis and editor Stankus.